The Mimi In The Mirror
I’d look in the mirror and see my changing body.
The boys gave me more attention. So I began wearing multiple bras, tried to bind my chest and wore my fathers clothes so no one would notice I was different.
But at dance I would look in the mirror and pick apart everything that looked different from my peers.
They told me with their glances that I was different. I wasn’t welcome.
Dance teachers began to put me in the back of the room for routines to hide me.
Nutritionists were brought in because ‘my parents weren’t fat. What was wrong with me?’. Yes. That was a direct quote to my nine-year-old self by someone who was supposed to care for my growth. This was the singular phrase that consumed most of my life, and how I looked. Everyone has a phrase that impacted them. My journey was not unique as a little girl growing up in the time of heroin chic and strict ballet school.
This is all to say, be kind with your words. They mean the world to young humans.
When I became too tall to hide in our routines - I was the one who lifted the boys for a laugh. I became the laugh. And I lived the laugh for most of my life. Hiding all my insecurities behind comedy and getting the giggle. If they laughed with (or at me) they wouldn’t bully me. Maybe they wouldn’t see how hurt I was being in this body that was ‘not worthy.
Girls and women made me feel slutty for a body that I had no control over. I was ‘blessed’ with big boobs from a very young age and that meant that any smidge of cleavage was deeply difficult for me to see. And no bras would give me the complete coverage I needed. And I know just having them made the same tank top worn by another would make me look promiscuous. But… I was a good girl who followed rules and was so very chaste. I waited for ‘the one’ and did life by the book… yup. That book: The Bible. The Bible told me that women are less than. Nuns were not able to hold positions of ‘power’ in the church just because they had female parts. We were property and our ultimate goal in life was to become a wife and mother. I was to be a obliging and devout breeder to my husband. That’s when I would ‘succeed at life’. Finding a man who produced with me. And I believed all of it until I had my own little girl.
The moment I came out of the doctors office hearing that I was going to have a little girl I said shakily, “She’s going to get her period. She’s going to have to deal with all the things women do”. It was that moment that my life totally changed. It was time to deeply examine my life, question the Patriarchy and make the decision to embrace all of the layers of myself that had been hidden away for my life.
Dance and Religion (I loved both and found great comfort in each) were the sources of my deep wounds as a woman. This project is me trying to reclaim the glory of my body, my mind and my heart. I hope it’ll help you have discussions in the quiet moments of your heart, encourage more sharing with others and help you love yourself more deeply and abundantly. We deserve so much more and so does the next generation.