In The Mirror
Growing up in a strict dance community meant I stared at myself in the studio mirrors all the time. And I always thought they were really damaging, but I couldn’t look away. When I had a dance studio, I tried to make time to face away from the mirror so that I could help students really feel the proprioception of their bodies in space, rather than an image. People ask about my daughter and if she'll dance…. bc it's in the family! She doesn't really care to perform dance (only for pleasure of moving her body). I'm so proud of her for already knowing that about herself.
It's interesting through that I've always vilified mirrors and yet I've practiced yoga for the nearly 20 years and have done so in a room full of mirrors (and never noticed the irony of it all) until I sat my behind down and wrote to you, dear reader. So much can come from getting your thoughts down into sentences (or run-on sentences in my case😊 ).
I was laying in Savasana in the hot and very beautifully mirrored room, tucked up in the left hand front corner where I like to be in my home studio. It's January so there are new people coming in and out attending to their new year resolutions and such. Four university students come in and set up beside me. They were blasted by the heat and I think they all had been out the previous evening. Smelling slightly of lingering booze and walking like baby deer. They were struggling in some of the postures - their eyes bugging out when trying new poses unsure how to modify for their bodies and it was in those moments of me noticing the newness and youth of these lovely little ladies that I felt so strong and thankful for my age, weight and shape. I didn't use the mirrors for evil, y'all! I didn't judge myself against others - I simply used it as a tool for seeing the awe in my body! (I know that yoga isn't supposed to be for any of this and we should remove the mirrors… dont come for me with yogic philosophy).
This comparison was not to take away from their slender, slightly awkward youth but seeing this lack of kinesethic awareness made me realize that I take my body for granted. I'm very spatially aware of my surroundings and my body in space. I have loads of flexibility and strength. My arms are soft and very pale but there are little bulges of muscle that I”m really proud of. My breasts are big, round and floop around when I move postures because I'm not afraid of the movement (the gravity) anymore. My tummy is rounder and housed a human! (it's an abandoned apartment at the moment) but I'm really proud of the shape that hangs a little and flows into my bigger hips and thighs. I felt like a damn goddess in that class.
My mind felt clear
My body felt strong
My breathing was deep
There was a smile on my lips as I shook through the really tough and hot class.
I was sweating WAY more than those gals and normally I'd compare myself to their daintiness but I'm embracing that I'm a sweaty person. Just like my emotions have always been close to edge and I cry at most things - sweat is the same. Fluid is ready to be dispelled at all times! Ha! (if you are a doctor and are reading this…. I do hope this is not a symptom of anything other than running hot like the hottie I am …. or menopause). Anyway- I was so happy and thankful for my body, for my big heart, my trials and hardships and the little bits of healing my relationship to my body I find at random times in the studio.
The little girl in me who used to stare into the mirror and look for flaws - comparing myself to the other girls - healed a little bit yesterday in class. Me, the woman and me, the little girl.